One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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