Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
