her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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