This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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