Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
