Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
