haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
