hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize