I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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