Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Houston, we have a blender
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
