We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
