Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Randomize
