Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
