how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
