When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
