you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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