is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
