During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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