According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
