Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
