did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
