Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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