This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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