note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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