Nicole vs. Life
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Life is so much better after having sex.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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