Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish you could order shots online.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize