Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
