i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize