life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
