Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just googled if crying burns calories
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize