she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Houston, we have a blender
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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