Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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