it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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