You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
