I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
