last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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