woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
