He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
