Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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