Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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