I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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