I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You ate ashes out of my bong
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
