look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
