every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
