He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
what day is it and did you see me today?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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