You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize