My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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