Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
foreskin is a definite game changer
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
