hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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