rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Randomize
