This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize