u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
