You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
