i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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