Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Houston, we have a blender
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
