you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
