I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
