your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
